There are a lot of wonderful things happening in my life right now, and I struggle with the realization that I so easily take things for granted, succumbing to the anxiety and fear of big change. I'm a go-with-the-flow person by choice, forced choice, it doesn't come as naturally as it does for others. I'd much prefer to be organized and in control, going through my day exactly as it was mapped out in my planner over coffee first thing in the morning, mentally checking off my to-dos before I can grab a colorful pen and do it in real life.
Right now, I'm lucky if one or two things I've put on my list of plans are looked at, let alone acted on. In its place are experiences upon wonderful experiences at work and with friends, in addition to a quick phone call to mom & dad when I have a second to sneak away.
But in between the wonder, the big eyes and the smile of new discovery, my heart aches for routine - which is quickly followed by guilt. Guilt that I glance at my phone en route to the bathroom throughout the day to find so many unanswered text messages from loving friends & family saying hi, catching me up on days events and asking about my job, that my head spins and I hide the device. Guilt that I haven't sent my parents' birthday presents (coming up on 1 month past-due), guilt on the days that I forget to pack my lunch the night before which pushes back my entire morning ritual by 15 minutes, leaving me scrambling, flustered and swimming upstream to recover those minutes - yet the overwhelming tiredness after a full day of work, then personal training, then home to stuff whatever spare food into my mouth (usually a mixture of corn/broccoli, rice cakes and hummus, turkey jerky and the occasional trader joe's microwave mexican food) leave me too exhausted to make lunch. So I skip it. Knowing full well what it'll do to me in the morning. Guilt that dishes keep piling up even though I swear I'm only cooking for 1 (it looks like 6), guilt that I don't go to bed early enough, or make it to the gym for long enough, or meet up with friends often enough over drinks or froyo to hear about their lives, or blog. Blog guilt is the worst.
At the moment, there is no resolution. I'd like to say I've found the solution to dig myself out of the chaos but unfortunately I think the only answer is time. Time to get settled into this new job, new life, new me.
Time is my least favorite answer.
You better believe I'll be smiling my way through this, but chocolate donations are always welcome.